- Mattie Jo Cowsert
Trying to Cum...Municate
Updated: Jun 15, 2020
Okay so because you read my last blog, I’m assuming you did a whole bunch of self sex-ploration in the last month. You masturbated your way through July and now know allllll the right buttons to tell your partner to push. But will you? Don’t lie to me.
While at the same event I discussed in my last blog, #TengaTalks: Take Pride in Your Pleasure, I learned a very fun statistic: Queer couples report having substantially more satisfying sexual experiences than straight couples. This, I learned, is because there are no straight men involved in queer sex.
I’m kidding!* Calm down, men. Ladies, keep laughing.
*Actually, this is the case for many reasons, but mostly because there’s less representation of queer sex in media. Therefore, queer couples have less hang ups about what is “normal” in the bedroom so they feel more freedom to openly express themselves and explore sexually without judgement. Which results in much better sexual experiences. Who knew.
I know we could easily play the whole “blame the straight male” card (my favorite card), but from personal experience I know they are not totally at fault for this suboptimal straight sex thing. So I did a little poll on my Instagram:
Hey ladies, have you ever faked an orgasm?
I was scared to even ask this question. Fearful that I might be the only one who has done this...more times than I’d like to admit. But after the overwhelming response I received from women - single, married, in long term relationships-admitting to regularly lying about going to O-Town...I was like phew glad I’m not the only one. But also wait this is a truly tragic epidemic that must be stopped.
If one irrefutable truth of life is the female orgasm is beautifully mysterious, then the other irrefutable truth is the male ego is frighteningly fragile. And since men are conditioned to gain much of their masculine value from sexual performance, asking to correct or guide him could result in a grown man essentially throwing a tantrum.
"Well, is it possible that this dude was just projecting his insecurities and immaturity around sexual communication/expression onto you? And maybe that is not your problem?"
Let me take you back to a conversation I had with my therapist a few years ago:
“I did actually try a little thing called ‘sexual communication’ with a partner once. He had already gotten off thanks to the hard work of yours truly. My normal play would be to just let it be; not dare ‘be a bother’ and ask for a trip to O-Town in return. But a friend of mine had recently told me ‘I’m not even nice about it anymore. Usually, after they cum I just say ‘Uhh, scuse me’ then point to my vagina. Usually does the trick.’ Even though I’m politely Midwestern and would never do something so direct, I wanted to try my version of that. ‘Hey, do you think you could..ya know…’ After the fact, he basically made fun of me. ‘Well, that was interesting.’ He said. ‘No one’s ever done that before.’ Uhhh Maybe because every other girl you’ve fucked has been faking orgasms/not speaking up?! Ugh. Never again. I’d rather have a life of orgasm-less sex than go through THAT shame and embarrassment ever again.”
“So you told him what you liked, what helps you get off, and he told you that was weird?”
“Yes basically. And like, I know it’s not. I’ve literally discussed this with other girlfriends.”
“So it’s not like you were asking this guy to let you peg him while he hangs from a ceiling fan or something? I mean, no shame if that’s what you’re into. I just imagine if he hadn’t communicated being open to that, the request might have been jarring.”
“Right, no pegging. No ceiling fans. Just regular ole clitoral stimulation.”
“So how does this make you feel?”
“Makes me feel like I’ll never ask a guy to do what feels good for me again. I won’t be THE ONE woman speaking up for herself and then being made to feel like a sexual martian.”
“Hmmm…so you think this is your issue to correct? You said previously you don’t think you were asking for anything unreasonable? So why should you stop asking?”
“Well, what’s my other option?”
“Well, is it possible that this dude was just projecting his insecurities and immaturity around sexual communication/expression onto you? And maybe that is not your problem? Perhaps the thing you could do in the future, instead of sacrificing orgasms, is just not sleep with guys who will react this way to a sexual partner openly expressing themselves?”
“You mean don’t internalize a man’s insecurities? And also, don’t allow low frequency manbabies in my panties?”
“A +, therapy pupil.”
Last two lines added for story telling. I think my actual answer was the mind blown emoji.
It took me awhile to process what my therapist was saying. Move forward in confidence knowing asking for my sexual needs is not the problem? Don’t make a man’s insecurities MY problem? Instead just vet the dudes I let into my panties a little better?
Maybe this all sounds like "DUH" to many of you. But if you hail from purity culture like me, and the rules around sexual partners were like "Only your husband and make sure you please him or he'll cheat and it will be your fault," the nuance of this stuff is not so obvious.
Men have so many more orgasms than women, scientists actually gave it a name - The Orgasm Gap. So, like a good feminist would, I’m just seeking equality.
Anyway, his whole taking responsibility** for having the sex life I deserve and desire by busting through old bullshit narratives sounded difficult. But also maybe the point of therapy? And 100% worth it if it meant more orgasm-full sex.
**This doesn’t take away from the horror stories I heard from women when trying to speak up for themselves sexually. One woman shared that a dude once suggested she go see a doctor for her no-orgasm having. Because he would rather make her believe she has a MEDICAL CONDITION and is just that much of an outlier, than admit maybe he is being an unevolved tool. Oy.
The first thing I had to stop believing is asking to get off makes me difficult and/or annoying.*** Men have so many more orgasms than women, scientists actually gave it a name - The Orgasm Gap. So, like a good feminist would, I’m just seeking equality. Even if it takes getting me in the right headspace, into my body, and more than 5 minutes of foreplay before we proceed to doggy style til he cums, I should be gettin mines. And if a dude is annoyed by this, fuck (but actually don’t) that guy.
***I’m FULLY aware that we can have an amazing sexual experience without reaching climax. Prioritizing your pleasure doesn’t always mean O-Town. But it does mean knowing you aren’t being an imposition by wanting to feel amazing.
Secondly, what I (or you!) want is not weird. The only commonality in female bodies is that no two are the same. Each clitoris and vulva have their own preferences. Not to mention sensations of the nipples, inner thigh, ears, belly, and beyond! But if we keep lying/not speaking up to dudes about this fact, they will keep thinking they’ve got all women sexually figured out. And then when a woman does finally try to guide them, he’ll do that titty-baby-taking-things-personal-then-turning-it-back-on-the-woman-spiral. Stop the madness.
Finally, I have to vet my panty entry patrons better. Working through this with my therapist helped me realize if I wanted to have better sex, I needed to get more specific about who I shared that sacred space with. I plan to go more into this in another blog (cuz figuring this out took a decent field study. And a trip to the UK), but succinctly put, I can’t get into bed with immature, sensitive men who are weird about women communicating their sexual needs. Hard (on) pass.
So the answer isn’t that all straight guys are bad at sex so us straight women will just have to deal with our plight of bad sex with this bullshit sexuality we were born with (No thanks, GOD). It’s to stop faking orgasms, choose quality dudes with whom to share sexy time, and stand (or lay! Or sit! Or kneel! Okay I’ll stop...) confidently in the fact that we are allowed to ask for what we want/need/desire sexually. To truly believe we are valuable women who deserve to exchange intimate and beautiful energy with men who are excited, not intimidated, by giving us pleasure.
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