Alright y’all. I wanna take ya back to the Summer of 2017. I’ve recently made the decision to not further pursue a transatlantic relationship with my ex (Zorro. You can read more about him here. And here and here actually), I’ve accepted a musical theatre tour contract that will earn me my Equity card, and I’m still in sexual trauma therapy due to a recent assault. So, I’m definitely not trying to date, but then I accidentally met this incredibly gorgeous yogiman on the Gram.*
*I apologize in advance to my older than millennial audience if any of this social media jargon is lost on you. Ask your kids. Or grandkids.
I say “accidentally” but I know exactly how this connection happened because I am a master strategic stalker (I stalked my college bf’s Facebook for a month before we met in person and then dated for 2 years. Last month I saw a cute guy at a restaurant and discovered he was Alex Trebek’s son all from a location tag).
I have to admit, trying to do meditative stretching when I was on the verge of an orgasm just looking at this guy was pretty fucking difficult.
I noticed an exercise studio I really love was offering yoga classes and based on their social medias, the new yoga teacher was smoking hot! Like, Ryan Reynolds hot. So obviously I followed the hot yoga teacher (let’s call him HYT) and eventually we started DMing. True romance.
After a few weeks of messaging, I finally made it to a class. Needless to say, my lady parts did all kinds of gymnastics when his face lit up, he gave me a hug, and said “You finally made it! I’m so glad you’re here!” That’s right. Cute floral Fabletics croptop and all, Mr. HYT.
I have to admit, trying to do meditative stretching when I was on the verge of an orgasm just looking at this guy was pretty fucking difficult. In fact, I was yoga-failing miserably. I kept telling myself to just “Focus on your stretching. Breathe. Get deeper.” And then, once again, I was no longer thinking about yoga (obviously).
Wait. Am I having sexual thoughts about a dude? This is great news! I’m not broken! Maybe I’ll ask him out after class. Wait does that come off as too eager? Oh shit we’re switching poses...
There I was in downward dog, my mind wandering everywhere, congratulating myself on reaching a sexual trauma healing victory by actually being attracted to a new man while also brainstorming ways to ask new man out after class...totally blowing this yoga class (but sadly not the yoga teacher. I’m kidding. IM KIDDING).
Anyway, I didn’t ask him out. What a waste of meditation time.
But whatever cuz he DM’d me! Said it was great seeing me in class and would I be there next week? Uh, duh. I had T minus 2 weeks til I was stuck with the same musical theatre gays for 4 months so I was gunna get my straight boy eye candy in while I could.
Turns out, when you do meditation right, YOU ACTUALLY FEEL THINGS. Total bullshit.
So next week rolls around and I’m super amped to see HYT again, when I got some pretty shitty news. Remember my recent ex, Zorro? Well, despite “officially” ending things with him, we were still really close. And that day he texted me to say he’d started seeing someone else (but that’s a different story/blog. Lots to unpack here).
After rehearsal, I just wanted to go home and unleash the tears I’d been holding back all day. Unfortunately, I’d already paid for yoga, so I had to go. Class went fine except for the part where I cried during savasana because I wasn’t at home to do it in private. Turns out, when you do meditation right, YOU ACTUALLY FEEL THINGS. Total bullshit.
I wanted to hightail out of there because I was totally embarrassed. I mean seriously. What kind of mismanaged emotional loser cries over their ex in their crush’s yoga class??? ITME
But I guess HYT didn’t find it that pathetic because he approached me after class to see if I was okay. I didn’t want to tell him I was crying over my ex. I mean, I wanted this guy in New York City to like me, not think I was hung up on my ex boyfriend in fucking Romania. But he was pretty relentless in his inquiries so I finally just told him, which made me cry again. Then he hugged me and asked if I wanted to chat more over smoothies so them tears was #worthit
Our conversation was amazing. He was just as likeable, funny, and gregarious as he was hot. He was a great listener and asked all the right questions and was totally dreamy and am I falling for this guy in a Red Mango RN? I really wasn’t expecting this to be anything more than a little fling, but then HYT turned out to be pretty incredible. Is this the Universe giving me a big ole present in the form of this spiritual and sexy boyfriend on the same day my ex got a girlfriend?!?!?!
But alas, the world is not that kind. And soon after we started discussing our dating experiences in the City (and I started mentally planning our Instagram “we’re in a relationship!” post), the catch was revealed. HYT was seeing someone “exclusively but we aren’t official yet.”
I wanted to walk away right at that moment, say “See ya never”, pour wine into my eyeballs, and scream FUCK MEN AND YOUR GIRLFRIENDS WHO AREN'T ME from my fire escape. But apparently HYT didn’t think seeing a girl exclusively should stop him from going out with me one more time before I left on tour. And because I'm no saint, I obliged.
What was the fucking point of all that, Universe?!?!
We made plans to brunch and go to The Russian Bath House. Which, I thought was a bar called The Russian Bath House. Nope. It’s a literal bathhouse on the LES run by Russians.
So yeah, HYT and I spent our final afternoon in steam rooms and saunas sweating together-almost-naked-but-not-kissing-or-being-too-handsy cuz almost girlfriend. I guess because I’d let all my fucks go by the time we were both shirtless in a steam room, I just asked,
“Do I have any chance at swooping here? I mean like, why are we here entertaining this attraction and crush on each other if you’re quasi-taken?” And then he responded with some answer about how he doesn’t want to miss out on experiences just because he’s in a relationship. He met me unexpectedly and we have limited time to hang before I go on the road. Why not develop a new “friendship”? Yes, this is totally normal friend behavior. I get sweaty and almost naked platonically ALL THE TIME. “Or,” he continued “maybe I’m just an asshole.”
And then we hugged way more than friendly (these were no youth group side hugs), said goodbye, and I had severe lady blue balls for the entirety of my tour.
Okay. What was the fucking point of all that, Universe?!?!
How come I had to meet this guy I am totally into right before I leave for 4 months? Also, why’s he got an almost girlfriend but ostensibly so into me? Also also why is the first guy I’ve been sexually attracted to since I started sexual trauma therapy TAKEN? All of this in the midst of finding out my fairly recent ex has moved on.
Eat a dick, Universe. I would like to tell you I had great character and emotional intelligence, left for tour, and forgot all about HYT. That I was all "Just let it go, MJ. It’s clearly not the right timing. Also, perhaps I dodged a bullet because see above conversation about him maybe admitting he’s an asshole.”** **To be clear, I don't think HYT is an asshole. If I met me right before I was about to commit to total monogamy for realzies, I'd probably brunch and sweat half naked with me too. I'm awesome!
But I didn’t do that. I stayed super hung up on this guy for farrrrr too long. I replayed stories in my head about how awesome he is/was, that I’d probably never find anyone better, and stalked his/his girlfriend’s social media (you know you've done it!) for months.
As time went by I got less bitter I wasn’t the one in his Instagram stories. But then I’d come home drunk from another lame Bumble date and think “Remember when that guy with infinite abs and an incredible sense of humor wanted to date me but then I left the City for a dumb musical theatre tour and now he’s got a girlfriend?” and then get bitter again.
So I let this guy linger way too long on my mental backburner. Telling myself that I’d probably never be sexually attracted to someone after HYT and he’s the best I’d ever get. That it was just bad timing, we’ll probably meet again soon, and he’ll realize I’m the one he should be dating not that other girl.
What a colossal waste of energy.
The reality was
1. Timing did not line up for me and HYT, for whatever reason so #letitgo
2. I didn’t even know HYT well enough to know if he was actually as great as I had made him to be in my Enneagram 4 brain
3. He wasn't pursuing me, I was simply his last fling before he plunged into a long term relationship. Whaddyagunnado
Even if in the meantime I was still dating, mostly working on myself, blah blah...In the background I was still spending energy on someone who just couldn’t be my partner for a multitude of whatever reasons. I eventually pulled myself out of my own bullshit, lived in reality, and learned I’m worth more than staying attached to someone who isn’t available.
Oh and P.S. Universe, I’m sorry I told you to eat a dick. Thank you for showing me dudes who look like Ryan Reynolds would totally bone me if they didn’t have almost girlfriends.